Past Life Fear or Possessed by a Spirit?

The Spiritual Meaning of 'Being Drunk'

I am what you would call a "recovering alcoholic". At least that is how it is explained to me by my spirit guides. It put the fear of god in me and I am very disagreeable with the concept of going back. It takes days, it can take weeks. To be drunk is to live in... what would you call it? The matrix? How best would you describe it? The part of you that is asleep. The part of you where your consciousness is stuck watching the screen and movie of life. 

I've seen it in a dream before. This is how it was described to me.

Picture you, in a room, all alone. All you have is a single folding chair you are sitting on in the middle of the room. In front of you is a film being projected on the wall but you are captivated with what it is showing you. So much so, your elbows are prompted on your knees and your hands in worry sit by your face. You are experiencing the anguish of it all. Mental and physical pain and suffering. You are asleep. You are drunk. You are the worries of the world. Your attention and focus on the gruesome and horrific film in front of you. Who will come to snap your attention? Who will wake you up?

It's an odd way to look at it but it is called an addiction. You are addicted to it. Everything that provides you with stimulants in terms of adrenaline or dopamine. Your brain gets pushed into overdrive and survival mode. This is called the Beta Wave of your brain. You must slip into relaxation and slow down into the Alpha Wave. Waking you up means slowing you down and taking a step back. It is sometimes, misery. Call it your ego, you just become forgetful. You forget and you need to "wake up".  It takes time to realize and wake yourself up. Things have to snap you out of it. Perhaps through a tower moment and something catastrophic. "I'm just sick of you being drunk". 

So I am a recovering alcoholic. I rarely, if ever, watch movies or tv shows. I am afraid of losing myself. I, currently, have an adverse reaction to music. I am sticking to frequencies because most recently, I "fell back asleep" and I did not like it. It is troubling because you don't know there is a different. You don't even remember there is one. An alternative or a different way of being. This is perhaps why meditation is important. 

I was asleep and I didn't like who I was. I, myself, was disagreeable and pessimistic. Not only that, but I was sad and I was suffering. Silently suffering and this was a controlling aspect of myself. I couldn't separate myself or break apart. Another part of myself couldn't operate and be. I was so afraid and the fear kept me stuck and limited. Sometimes you just need to "slow it down". To me it feels like shifting or a shuttering effect. I couldn't glitch back into myself or I was glitching. I couldn't maintain a state of being. Fear and emotions was keeping me limited and stuck and honestly, "running away from myself". For you to stay "composed", you have to remain a clear channel. You have to clear out the blockages of fear and emotions keeping you stuck and limited. You need to heal or you will become obtuse, stubborn, thick brained, and a character of yourself that isn't you. I find mine to be disagreeable. So what was mine?

Past Life Fear or Possessed by a Spirit?

I have worked hard to become a clear channel. Supporting myself and taking care of myself. Healing myself but also, loving myself. Seeing the good in me and building up safety and security. Affirmations, mirror work, crying, and being my best friend. Don't get me wrong, it is easier for me as I am able to connect to a future part of myself to then take care, develop, and listen to a past version of myself. Call it my soul, higher self, a grown version of myself that knows all and sees all in regards to my present life or even, all of them combined. To the past of myself where I am a child and a little girl. This aspect is called "Mother". Hekate is a good reference for this as she is the past, present, and future. She is the maiden, mother, and crone. Within yourself is all of yourself. Past, present, and future. Your inner voice, and your inner guidance. In a higher dimension, you escape time and you are all.

There was something about a cat. It kept coming up while I was in my 'drunken state'. I tried to search for the meaning of it but I couldn't quite figure it out. I had a breaking point where I had to confront myself. I remember being so upset saying "I broke my mind", but I had already broken my mind many times in my life. So, I don't know what I was so afraid of but I remember being alone with no support and I was afraid of maybe people finding out. In fact, that is what it was. I was afraid that people were coming to get me and take me away. I was afraid that I did something bad and somewhere along the lines of something, everything got kind of screwy. 

I was deathly afraid that something in a past life of mine was going to happen again and come true. I was a girl in Ethiopia, Africa. The energies of her story merged in with my present life. She was separate from me but I began to channel her. She was trying to keep me safe but it was like the energies of her were forcing me to act out in ways that weren't myself. She began to explain it to me. She told me about how a group of people came and took her away from her family and her home. I don't know the full story of it because it began to merge with another past life of mine where this has happened before and or 'again' but the outcome was different. In one story, I was betrayed by my friends, family, and loved ones and I was taken away and killed. In the story with the girl from Africa. All I know is, she was taken away. Either sold to be a bride, a slave, or stolen. As "Hysterectomy" pops into mind. She might have been taken in order for a procedure to be done on her. In both of these stories. Secrets where to be kept secret. Either that I had powers beyond my time or for the simple fact that I was a girl and either way, I was of value or that that meant something. I was so afraid of being found out and caught or 'taken away'. I was so afraid that I was going to be taken. That was the fear and that was the blockage. 

People thought me bad and I did wrong. I made a mistake somehow, let something slip or my time was just up and they were coming for me. Not out of a fear of paranoia but out of safety. Not a fear that they are 'out to get me' but that I would be ripped away and moved or shipped. Perhaps even locked away like in prison. I definitely couldn't make it make sense to me. So I just began to feel what I was feeling and talk it out but what I was feeling, wasn't mine. I felt that it was a girl's, a young girl's. She was 12-14 years of age and she was innocent. She was deathly afraid so I did what I always do. I saw through eyes of compassion and love and took it as my chance. A wish to be granted. I always tell myself how much I would like a friend and here one was! Might as well! Maybe she was a past version of myself that lived another life or maybe she was a spirit attached to me. At the end of the day, I've seen crazier things and I let bygones be bygones. Perhaps it was a bargain deal. Perhaps my unhealed past life allowed her energy in because we had the same frequency, vibration, or energy that could attach and link us both. Perhaps she was there to make mine more drastic and in the forefront so I could purge that energy, heal it, and cleanse it. 

I just started talking to her and she channeled through me. Told me about what happened to her and I just focused on feeling her and her energy. She told me what she did and why and I listened to her. I was her friend. I gave her comfort. I told her through all the "bad" she's done or the through the things that happened to her, I felt right through it and I told her how kind she was. I could feel through her pain and fear and said "you are actually really kind" and tears began to flow. Tears might have already been flowing as I felt her fear and pain but healing began when we together, let it all go. I released the fear. Whatever it was, it was making me want to grab onto things and people so I could be protected so I could stop something bad from happening. I had to surrender and let go and ground myself back into reality. That just wasn't going to happen. I could feel the softness of the earth and I sensed no distress signals from my current reality. There was nobody coming to get me and take me away. You got to keep a sharp head on ya, huh? I was a pillar of strength and I was a pillar of strength for that energy. She needed something to hold on to? Well okay, hold onto me, I will give you truth and show you clarity. Let go of that fear and unfinished business. It only helps me. At the end of it, after the tears and sadness. Perhaps some guilt and remorse. She said some things that I can't remember but then she said "I'm sorry I killed your cat"... and that, hit me like a train. I searched up the spiritual meaning for cat and it said something along the lines of strength but most importantly... independence. I was bewildered. Whatever it was. I may or may not have been possessed and my actions coerced by something foreign to myself.

Perhaps I wish to know the truth or apologize for my actions that I did during that timeframe but all together in truth and honesty? No, no I don't. I'm not remorseful of my actions. I might be silently sad that people cannot understand so I have no choice but to apologize. How am I suppose to explain to people that that just wasn't me? If I show my truth and honesty that I am not remorseful and I definitely do not show any remorse then I am disliked and seen as someone gruesome and terrible myself. It makes me want to push away from the crowd altogether. Who would then even believe my explanation and not accuse me of making it all up to save my own self? People are disheartening. Whatever it was, the 'harm' that I may or may not have done was also just people getting lost in translation of who I am. It's not like I did anything super bad, harmful, shown anger, or inflicted wounds onto people. If anything I was just confused and eccentric, or perhaps erratic. Truthfully, I was afraid and didn't know it and I was running from myself and I just needed help and healing. Though I tried to think through my actions and not be impulsive, I simply miscalculated and got dealt with embarrassment for my actions. I suffered a hurt pride and wounded ego, yes. I broke away from who I am and now the consequences of my actions is for a couple people to see me a little differently, which is unfortunate. 

Perhaps it was a soul stuck in the afterlife, astral, or purgatory and she couldn't transcend to heaven because fear was weighing her down? I am not apologetic and I give compassion and forgiveness instead. Perhaps I wish people could or would do the same... for me at least. I deserve all of those things and I seem to be the only one to offer it and give it. I hate feeling like I have to defend against people who do not feel the same and weigh me down by being close minded, stuck, limited, in fear, so quick and willing to place blame, those who do not offer compassion, and those wanting to repeat their own karmic cycles. Obviously, I understand and I give compassion but it's like I walk in silence. Never seen, never heard, never known as I've spent years trying to know myself to where I am able to know others when they don't even know themselves. 

Well, this is my 12 step program

I feel the fear of never waking. I let it go and I let it pass with time. I am grateful that I am alive and I live today, never expecting another day because even those are gifts from god. I cherish the seen and unseen and I am grateful I am able to offer compassion. I love who I am and I focus on loving myself. Building my self worth, seeing through fear and illusions. Hoping and praying I don't lose myself again but I do know that I am well protected in this lifetime and for that to have occurred and transpire was because their was a higher purpose, reason, and plan. It was the best for me and all of the collective. Some things just have to happen, you know?  

Update: I keep going back at it. What exactly happened to me? There are just some events I can't piece together or merge in thought. In essence, it's not that they don't line up but they are so sparse in their abstract that I can't find where they connect. Do you ever have an itch you can't scratch? All my events, memories, and even dreams are a replay trying to show me something. Whether meant to or not it's like going to bed and you are remembering a past life in fragments where the storyline of that life... doesn't add up or make any sense. It's like that but with something else and something different. So I keep going back to it, trying to find what it was trying to tell me. Even in my dreams, we talk about one thing but its a hint a a rest of a whole. I one point I know exactly what it is talking about and then poof, it's gone.

I remember before this event occurred I wasn't feeling very well and my higherself said... "because you were twelve". That's all I got and all I had. Because I was twelve? Something hurt so badly and painfully that it was affecting me in my present. It was so egregious that I couldn't remember it and it was a wound, that much was true. But because I was twelve? My higherself looked at me with kindness, love, and embrace. Easier said when you know the congruent whole. When you know the pain that I, myself, had forgot about. I did what any sane person would do. I went into meditation a couple days later and tried to go back to when I was twelve. What could I remember from when I was twelve? What was happening in my life and what was I going through? What happened to me when I was twelve and what hurt so badly? What fear gripped me? What pain was itching at my stomach making it hurt so badly? Because I was twelve.

Nothing came up from it. I couldn't find anything or remember anything. It was all just fragments that didn't apply and didn't add up. Then I had this event and I remembered... because you were twelve.

Edit: Months later with newly found information. Because he was twelve.