Manifesting Negative Experiences: Why am I always on trial here?

I was reminded of a memory of my old thoughts and they spelled something out for me.

"Why am I always on trial?", said in a displeased voice with a confused and defensive shoulder shrug.

"Just some more trials and tribulations to get through... oh well"

but... why am I always on trial here?

"Because you are always on trial with yourself"

Download received: That voice that accuses you. Tries to declare you the bad guy and how you should lower yourself because you are bad. How you think you yourself are choosing to do harm when you only have goodness in your heart. Energy doesn't lie, we can feel it and know it. So why are you on trial with yourself? While do you always accuse yourself to be something you are not? Because you are always on trial with yourself... 

"I see it now... I'm causing it for myself"

What I pieced together from the download: Life is a game, there are rules and mechanics. Me being on trial within myself is calling in those vibrations to then manifest it into my reality. My internal becoming external to then reflect back to me... myself, my karma, and what I need to heal. In essence, I don't want to experience that anymore. I want to break the cycle. At the very least, even if I was to experience an event like that. Maybe in the physical or present, it would look like I was on trial but to me, my inner world, and to who I am. It wouldn't feel like that anymore even if it looked like it. It just wouldn't be my reality and I wouldn't have to experience that anymore. In myself, I would be clear or "cleaned". 

In stoicism, there is a great premise to take back your power and control by controlling yourself. To allow no man to have power over you by using your emotions against you. You can call this discipline. To hold yourself back? To restrain yourself? To not be swayed or manipulated? I can one up you on that. Cleanse the energy, close the cycle and you wouldn't have any pain or fear. There would be no need for discipline or restraint. It's called stability, serenity, and peace. Perhaps this is real strength. 

(Healing isn't a linear or quick process. I was already aware that I had a wound of feeling like I was wrong or bad and that I cause harm or do harm. I have already purged the emotions when you realize this and think to yourself... who made me feel like this? Why do I feel like this? When you feel the hurt to then release it and go through the process of finding your own inner truth and as my guides are saying "changing out a bad habit" by choosing a new belief, seeing truth, reason, or logic. How could I possibly be bad? When you look back on your past to find an answer and through all of the bad you finally start to see the good. Or, perhaps it's simply... I was a girl, I was innocent and I was kind. Or you go so high up above you start saying the affirmation that resonated with you whenever your threat defensive system activates and you start thinking you are a bad person or feeling guilty. You say and repeat to yourself to find some peace and home remedy and perhaps to breathe in the supporting energies around you so you don't feel all to suffocated in life. "That's how god made me". "I am not wrong. I was perfectly made in a loving design... god made me". After that whole process, you still see how it has effected your habitual patterns in life. Your ways of thinking, doing, and being and how it has effected you this whole time and how it still does. Of course, on the opposite side of the spectrum. Accepting and being okay if you are declared bad. Who cares if I am bad? I am myself. If I am myself and that is love and that is god and all of those things above and that is bad. Then so be it... it is not my definition of bad. I am not bad or wrong. My intention is never to cause harm. How could I be bad? Who is ever bad? People are not bad. You can call me bad, it is okay, I understand you and you are not bad either. That is peace and that is love.)