Not Enough: Disappointment within Yourself

I've come to find out another truth about me.

People would get upset with me and I'd cry. People used to get angry and I'd hate myself for it. However, in my sickly gunshot heart, I never saw it that way. My brain and skull were thick from all of those previous punches that calloused over. 

I had a panic attack for the first time in my life, the tears rolled down my face as my body took control and anger swelled. "Why am I crying?" I said "This is stupid!" I berated internally. My life went like that. Anger at the weakness? Anger at the lack of control? Callous and coldness. It was anger at the lack of direction and lack of purpose. "What is this for? Why can't I move forward, this is stupid! Why am I crying?! I just have to do!"... there are just somethings you can't get around and surpass anymore when the damage has long been done and 'won't just go away'. Who knew in moments like those they would be blissful and opportune times?

How many times could a dog get kicked before it bites back? I was stuck in a dilemma. I would refuse to bite. Never showing my sharp teeth and holding my scales back as this dragon got pumbled. For some reason, I always housed the knowledge that even blowing a gentle wind of fiery breath could seethe skin and would hurt worse. It would hurt me more so I'd break down and huff down my tears as the flames inside of me got higher. I could never bark so I never did. The strength in me would be used to stand up tall and stand my ground. "Never again" I'd say...."never again".

Sure, I remember the cold and cruel times. I remember the feeling of helplessness and betrayal. Somewhere in my bones... I remember them all as these experiences stamp who we are. 

I would have moments in which I can remember. Unfairness, coldness, and at points yes, cruelty would struck this hound dog. For some, I would limp all the way home. For some, I would crash on the floor. For others, I had my back against the wall and terrified. It wasn't until the scenarios would change on me and I would be met with a statement like "you're not in trouble". Did I realize that that is what would make me crash and burn down. I would cry at simple words of kindness and reassurance and I would break. Not even the discussion at hand but the place in which I could rest and relax a little and that would be my last straw.

It would take everything within me not to break down and cry having no function over my body. Who would kick this hound dog again? I would ask but there would be no reply besides a head that dropped itself down. Bruised and battered. Perhaps the cold wind stabbing me in the night was better than the anxiety and fear that would keep me up at night. 

You can think... isn't this the dilemma of the cowardly lion? Unwilling to integrate their shadow aspects? Let it rip! Be the villain! Why hold yourself back in freedom and expression? A lion that doesn't fight, roar, or bite? What are those claws for? Wasn't being in that circus cage pacing back and forth enough? Well... this isn't the dilemma of the cowardly lion. This was... how do I stay true to me? I did not want to. An evolutionary stance on respect for all I might say. So much so, what do I do with it? I simply could not because that was not who I was. I wanted to stand taller. In the chaos, what if I could lead? What if I did what I could and got better each time? What if this hound dog was still just a hound dog sniffing the trail and free in the forest as it followed the track? What if this lion just liked to sleep as lions naturally do for 12 hours a day. What if, I didn't want to bite? What if barking was all chatter and my teeth don't deserve to be clenched?

I have experiences of when I was brought to the table and I see how over and over again things changed and reactions would change to. I remember that cop who pulled me over because of personal reasons and unfairly claimed a law dispute and when I said "chatter, chatter". That 37 year old cop took a good look at himself instead. I guess that has always been my stance at time like these... "You won't be getting what you want outta me". You want that fight? You want that dispute? You want that wasted time for practice? I didn't sign up to be your punching bag. I guess I'm just a pooch and I guess inside and internally, I'm older than you. 

All that is good. Yeah! Fight the big man! But no, it would still break my heart each time. Why did it have to be this way? Why can't they see? Why are they blind? In some moments, all I could see is them when they were a small child. What happened? Where did you go? I see the child in you but I see the cold shell you have embodied. It must be cold in there. I say this because I see my child self live on. I see her in roses and running around. I see her running far off into the distance until she whips back around and holds my hand as she kicks her feet dancing around happy and filled with pride to be right next to my long strides. 

So what is the real truth I have found? It was a conversation. I couldn't comprehend the wound of 'not enough'. Why is it there? Why is it still there? What does it effect?

I can say personally, I was stabbed in my intellect. How I was labeled as 'socially inept' and incompetent. How my thoughts and words were always silently overtime chopped and cut down. That is a cycle I must break but most recently, it circles back around to people being angry at me.

Why did I suffer so much from it? I remember as a girl I would plead to my parents not to release all of that onto me. Their anger, pressure, and fire. Truth was, the slightest pressure and I would feel something more severe and terrible than what my parents could ever possibly do to me. I used to contemplate if everyone was this way. Did parents need to punish their children if we already punished ourselves? "You don't have to punish me, or do anything... I already feel it all and I am doing it for you more harsh and more deprecated". 

One day, I turned around and saw how the slightest pressure of anger towards me and I saw my walls shoot up and all my defenses turn on. 'Don't you dare' I would claim. It would all be too much so I took a deep look within. I'd like to let those defenses go and trust that finally, 'it'll be alright'. I guess that was what I was truly looking for. A guiding hand in the night for a willing child who compares herself as just a hound. When did my teeth get so sharp for a good nose like mine? 

I hold no remorse for my actions for how calculating I live my life. I would not live with any regrets, for life is to short too carry around burdens like those. I hold that belief so tight I'd rather do it all over again with the same mistakes to come out the other side and see the gratitude in which I hold for myself and for where I currently stand. I'd do it over and over again until I could see with clearer eyes. So what was all this gunk and imprisonment? What was all this suffering? Why so harsh? Why so serious.

I found the truth of myself.

It was in a conversation. 

I thought back to the times when someone I loved and cared deeply about was angry at me so I expanded on it further. My eyes closed as I hit a speed of light meditation. 

I thought to my spirit guides and they said "We are not angry at you" as my inner voices swept the floor. I replayed all those times in my head and asked them, "Do you think we will have a better story?"

Then this light feminine breath spoke the real truth "What made you have such disappointment with yourself?"

I replied with a quick and gentle answer "Inadequacy", I whispered. 

To which my guides replied "By other people's standards".

And that was that. There it was. My 'not good enough' wound. It was indeed inadequacy. My sharp teeth were delved inside me. For an animal still needs to bite. I chose my own arm to sink my teeth in. 

However, what did I see? Truthfully, what did I see? The suffering was so severe because of all the disappointment somewhere along the line, I held towards myself. It was disappointment but now I stand taller. I can let that go. I can choose to support myself better. I can choose to look in the mirror and repeat "I am not disappointed in you". I can instead say that I am proud. I can choose to see myself as I am and love it all the more. I have a nice life to live and I can choose to be alive. 

There are moments in time where you get such a clear living of what the world truly is and what we came here for. When the skies open up and clear themselves. When you see a deeper truth that matched the liveliness you feel deep within. An ancient core well felt. Life is beautifully perfect because of how imperfect everything is. You marvel at everything that could possible be, and there it is. What is the chance that everything would be like this? How many odd turns and weird ways. Rare and slim chances by everyone and everything to finally get where you are now. For all that has been and will be. For the imperfect rarity and oddity of even the seemingly mundane is the real definition of perfection. 

I guess I could give a clearer sentiment. In Chinese culture they would have fancy China and when their tea cups or pottery dropped and cracked. They would glue it back together with gold. The sentiment is, the beauty is of humanity and how imperfect the perfect is. Something to be honored. For the rarity in it's crack with time and experience makes it more valuable. They glue it back together with gold to solidify this but think about it. A Chinese couple with their craftsmen dishes and their child drops it. The beauty is of the event. The mistakes of that child is an artwork onto that pottery and an honor for those parents. 

You might think that is too fanciful but it's not. That is how you are viewed. That is how god and the universe loves you so. A great big world out there with and for experiences. What happens if everyone around you says "oops! oh well, it's just a car. Sooner or later they will get scratched". I want that grace back as I cater that within and towards myself. As the universe and the world sees you in all your glory for even the mistakes are wins and adventures. There is no such thing as 'not good enough'. There is only the disappointment you feel within yourself and you can let that all go.